5 Shockingly Insane Scenes From Star Wars’ Expanded Universe


The Star Wars Expanded Universe of novels, video games, and comics has been dumping space garbage into the galaxy for decades. And even though the movies declared that none of that crap counts anymore, we can examine it to see what happens when too many people are making too much Star Wars. Here are some of the lesser offerings from the Expanded Universe:

5. Luke Skywalker Romances Two Dead Girls At The Same Time
A few years after the battle of Endor, Luke and his newly minted Padawan, Cray Mingla, are drawn by the Force to an asteroid field above the forest planet Pzob. It’s in the K749 system, kind of near Tatooine, populated mainly with Gamorreans, and we sincerely hope this sentence helps to justify the work that went into the planet’s exhaustively complete Wookieepedia entry. While there, Luke and Cray stumble on the remains of the Emperor’s capital ship, the Eye Of Palpatine.
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Upon entering the ship, they find its AI is planning to reboot its systems and blow up the planet Han and Leia are currently galavanting across. Oh, and they find a ghost. The ship is being haunted by a Jedi named Callista who helps them fight the ship’s malignant AI. Along the way, Callista and Luke fall in love.

In the process of destroying the ship, Luke’s Padawan sacrifices herself. It’s a hard day for Luke. He’s got this new girlfriend who doesn’t have a body and his new apprentice just got turned into a corpse. A … hold on, you don’t think Luke would ask his ghost girlfriend to …? No. NO. Oh, come on, Luke. NO.

He does it. He lets his ghost girlfriend drive his apprentice’s dead body. And she is good to go. She throws her undead parts at Luke repeatedly. She even surprises him by dressing his apprentice’s corpse up in lingerie on their second anniversary, but Luke never goes all the way. However, the author does make it clear the two were very physical. They just always stopped short of fully switching off the targeting computer.

What is not made clear is whether Luke avoided sex with her because his Jedi code wouldn’t allow penetration before marriage or because she was two different dead girls. Think back to one of your favorite Christmas mornings … when you were eagerly ripping open an Ewok Village Playset or a LEGO Jedi Starfighter. Could you have ever imagined you’d one day grow up to learn all the ways Luke Skywalker likes to dry hump a cadaver?